So I finished my final draft of this 2 weeks ago, and forgot post it xD I am a 6th grade BTW
It is bad, I know but I didn't have enough time or I would have edited moar ;-; I know Felix is way too emotional but ya know whatever I don't know my score yet, I will edit when I do :3
Rough Draft: 100
Final Draft: 100 :O
3dspedia Grade: Unknown as the Mariana Trench
Rate me please out of 100 and keep in mind Vocab, Typos, Depth, Characters, Plot, and personal opinion!
Braving The Wall
It was a normal day, like any other in East Berlin, gloomy people meandering around, the illusion of a Sun accompanied by the harsh coldness, even the occasional shot of a gun was to be excepted. The place where the police and guards were just as bad as criminals and where bullies ran wild, terrorizing the weak; it was a place where you would live in fear, fear for your family, your home and your job. Felix had none of that.
Suddenly, as Felix walked away from school, he saw a glimpse of black, and instinctively ducked. He felt a "whoosh" of air and examined his surrounding. He had accidentally walked into a particularly shady part of an alley with a bunch of gang members, and one of them had just tried to kill him. How could he have been so careless? Even after a year being stuck in East Berlin, he could not believe that would get caught like that. Felix darted off while the thug was prepared to another blow from his and sped towards the forest. Felix sneaked through the underbrush and endured the branches and leaves scraping at him. Suddenly, he found himself yanked out of his spot and pulled out. Another gang member had grabbed him and was trying to knock him unconscious. Felix struggled and then barely escaped through his cold palms; one of the many advantages of being small. Felix looked at his pendent with a picture of his family laughing happily, before the Iron Curtain was made, and before they got separated.
Felix was coming from school like any other day. He had took the train to go to and from West to East Berlin to go to school. He was been surprised when he saw a large cluster of people gathered around the train station. Felix pushed through the crowd and when finally made it he saw. The train was closed. He did not believe it. He could not be separated from his family, the people he knew and loved! He ran away in tears and cried silently. He did not did not know what to do.
'Why could not he have been there faster?' He thought. 'Why did this have to happen?'
Just then, he heard another person's sobs and looked over.
Felix ventured and said,"Hello?"
Felix grinned. The one good thing that came out of The Wall's rise was that he found a friend. He and Brendish had realized their circumstances were exactly the same. Even after he was separated, he still smile because of Brendish, for that he was grateful. Felix silently dashed through the forest. Felix swirled around the tree that he had crossed so many times. He knew these parts of forest like it was his home, which it kind of was. Felix grinned when he heard the ruffian stumbling and falling on a tree root. Of course he would not be as agile and quick as Felix, who had been in the forest for over a year. When he finally heard silence, he tiptoed and crawled under a bush, which revealed the perfect place for a hideout. They had gathered enough wood and built a small fort in a particularly shrouded part of the forest so they could avoid the authorities that would make them go to a foster home. The fort-like shelter was comprised of some logs and cemented with mud and sticks. It was shabby and slightly depressing, but Brendish being with him made it better. They talked about meaningless stuff and played nonsense games, but it made Felix happy and took his mind away from his family. Brandish almost felt like a brother to him.
Felix was surprised to see Brendish packed up with all their possessions and looking like he was ready to leave. But leave what? The fort? The area?
"Felix? Finally you're here!" Brendish exclaimed.
"Why are you all packed up? Are we going somewhere?"
"I have a plan, to get away from communism and to our families."
Brendish told Felix the whole plan, which actually was not much of a plan, but would work. He was ready to leave this horrible place, befallen by communism and was very excited to see his family after over a year of being cornered in by The Wall. He was slightly scared because if they were caught they would be shot but the plan was almost flawless. The wall did not even look intimidating as it was pretty small. The only thing that was keeping him from escaping immediately right after the wall came were the very observant guards and fear of being caught. But now he knew how painfully much he wanted to see his family and would risk the small chance to be killed.
Felix and Brendish walked across the streets, trying to look normal (or as normal as anybody could be in East Berlin in 1962) and not like they were about to cross the so called impenetrable barrier. They stopped when they came across the wall, the long strip of concrete with barbed wire at the top. The Wall was heavily guarded with empty looking guards patrolling the area and looking at every possible place someone could escape and even the windows next to the wall were plugged in with bricks and some buildings were even demolished. They haven’t seen the wall since a year ago, when their families were separated from them. Felix felt a trickle of warmth on his cheek and realized he was crying. The trickle became a stream and he let go what he had held back for a year. He quickly wiped his eyes and gritted his teeth to prevent any further reactions. No. He couldn’t cry now. He was going to see his family, and he couldn’t ruin this now.
They started part one of the plan and pretended to play a simple game of tag. He chased Brendish and faking laughter as they ran towards the wall. Immediately Felix could felt cold, emotionless eyes, staring at them like a hawk watches its prey. Felix gulped. He tried his best to look like an innocent child having fun with his friend but he started sweating and faltered in his steps. He felt the gun trained on him but maybe he did not notice. Maybe he was just readying his gun. But in both cases, this was bad. Felix and Brendish scaled the wall (which a lot of children do when playing a game) and giggled like maniacs. Felix sneaked a look at the guard who apparently got bored and went somewhere else. Felix careful examined his surroundings before proceeding with the plan. They slowly jumped over the wall, taking care to not touch the barbed wire as that would send a signal to the nearby guard towers and they would be trouble. What lied before them was the worst sight that Felix had ever seen in his life.
Diagram of The Berlin Wall
Felix had no idea that there was this “death strip of land" between the seemingly easy wall to cross. They both gasped and Brendish almost triggered the alarm but Felix grabbed him and let out a sigh of relief. (The death strip had a series of traps, mines, soft sand as the eye can see to see footprints, barricade-like objects, hidden spike floors, watchtowers, and barbed wire everywhere.) Felix had no idea what to do anymore and whispered to Brendish, “What do we do now? We did not plan for this to happen!”
“Well, we have no choice but to go on. We can’t turn back now, and I don’t want to. did not we try to escape knowing we risking our lives? This is no different,” Brendish replied.
With that, they crept across the dangerous land, knowing every step they took could lead to certain death.
Felix and Brendish tried to cover their obvious footprints by covering it with more sand, but it was still obvious since the sand was so smooth . Sooner or later they would be spotted and Felix hoped it would be later than sooner. They hurried up since their cover would be blown and came across the minefield. They had no idea where the mines would be so they took advantage of the rocks in the sand them randomly. As the rock made contact with the ground, the world exploded and there was horrible ringing in his ears. He stole a glance at Brendish, who was on the ground writhing in pain. He thought his ears would bleed but he pressed on, dragging Brendish and ran through the path they created. He heard loud gunfire and found the guards in the watchtower shooting at them. The fear of being shot propelled Felix and Brendish to move even faster, and Felix’s pant leg got stuck in one of the spikes.
Felix said, “Crap. Quickly help me Brendish!”
They pulled on the pant leg and then ripped the bottom part of his pant leg off.
“Alright, lets go!” Brendish shouted.
They were about 20 meters away, they could make it!
“Lets hurry. If we don’t get quickly eno-”
Just then, the world slowed as he heard a single “bang”. Brendish was shot.
Felix went wide-eyed, and couldn’t believe it. Brendish had a bullet wound in his shoulder and staggered backwards. He fell and Felix let out a single, No!!!!! as Brendish was impaled by the spikes. Felix dropped to the ground, and stared at the unmoving body. Brendish was dead. He was extremely pale, there was blood everywhere and was looking upwards with emotionless, dead eyes. Felix couldn’t even cry. He just stared, stared at his best friend, who had helped him in his times of need, while Felix couldn’t now. He saw the soldier advancing on them and then Felix fell down on his knees and gave up.
Felix did not want to leave Brendish, even if all that was left was his cadaver. The soldier open fired and one of the bullets embedded itself into his chest and Felix dropped to the ground. Felix felt the scorching pain, like his chest erupted and burst open. Then, he felt it stopping. The corners of his vision started to blur. Maybe this is what it feels like when you die. This wasn’t the worst place to die, he guessed. He felt like he was visiting a beach with his family as his life slowly drained away. He did not want to move, it felt so peaceful and it doesn’t matter whether he would make or not because Brendish had already died, so he wouldn’t have his best friend, who was like a brother to him. It did not matter anymore. Brendish was already dead so there was no point in living. Felix figured it would be best to peacefully let go. But then, he remembered why they were trying to escape in the first place. To see their families, who were probably very scared for Felix and Brendish, and Felix had to reunite with his family and tell Brendish’s family what happened. Then, he came back to reality and got up.
The pain was now doubled and tripled as he ran. He ran for Brendish, who would want Felix to live and make it across. He would not let Brendish's death be in vain and take Felix's will to live. The guard was shocked that someone could still move after being shot in the chest and was rooted in place. Felix saw the borderline. 3 meters. A bullet whizzed past. 2 meters. He heard shouting. 1 meter. He hurled into the arms of firemen waiting to help him. Felix had did it. He crossed The Berlin Wall.
Felix awakened in a bed that felt like a solid version of a cloud. He was confused about why he wasn't at the fort in the woods. All of the sudden, he remembered. He remembered running, Brendish's corpse, he remembered everything. Felix was sad but at least he made it out of the horrific place alive. He felt the smooth, soft touch of the blanket, which felted and looked like the one he and his mom knitted together a while ago. The mattress was like the one his dad work a whole week on just for him. Then, a faint smell of cookies triggered his memory. Could it be? He cried tears of joy as his family came in, smiling.
It is bad, I know but I didn't have enough time or I would have edited moar ;-; I know Felix is way too emotional but ya know whatever I don't know my score yet, I will edit when I do :3
Rough Draft: 100
Final Draft: 100 :O
3dspedia Grade: Unknown as the Mariana Trench
Rate me please out of 100 and keep in mind Vocab, Typos, Depth, Characters, Plot, and personal opinion!
Braving The Wall
It was a normal day, like any other in East Berlin, gloomy people meandering around, the illusion of a Sun accompanied by the harsh coldness, even the occasional shot of a gun was to be excepted. The place where the police and guards were just as bad as criminals and where bullies ran wild, terrorizing the weak; it was a place where you would live in fear, fear for your family, your home and your job. Felix had none of that.
Suddenly, as Felix walked away from school, he saw a glimpse of black, and instinctively ducked. He felt a "whoosh" of air and examined his surrounding. He had accidentally walked into a particularly shady part of an alley with a bunch of gang members, and one of them had just tried to kill him. How could he have been so careless? Even after a year being stuck in East Berlin, he could not believe that would get caught like that. Felix darted off while the thug was prepared to another blow from his and sped towards the forest. Felix sneaked through the underbrush and endured the branches and leaves scraping at him. Suddenly, he found himself yanked out of his spot and pulled out. Another gang member had grabbed him and was trying to knock him unconscious. Felix struggled and then barely escaped through his cold palms; one of the many advantages of being small. Felix looked at his pendent with a picture of his family laughing happily, before the Iron Curtain was made, and before they got separated.
Felix was coming from school like any other day. He had took the train to go to and from West to East Berlin to go to school. He was been surprised when he saw a large cluster of people gathered around the train station. Felix pushed through the crowd and when finally made it he saw. The train was closed. He did not believe it. He could not be separated from his family, the people he knew and loved! He ran away in tears and cried silently. He did not did not know what to do.
'Why could not he have been there faster?' He thought. 'Why did this have to happen?'
Just then, he heard another person's sobs and looked over.
Felix ventured and said,"Hello?"
Felix grinned. The one good thing that came out of The Wall's rise was that he found a friend. He and Brendish had realized their circumstances were exactly the same. Even after he was separated, he still smile because of Brendish, for that he was grateful. Felix silently dashed through the forest. Felix swirled around the tree that he had crossed so many times. He knew these parts of forest like it was his home, which it kind of was. Felix grinned when he heard the ruffian stumbling and falling on a tree root. Of course he would not be as agile and quick as Felix, who had been in the forest for over a year. When he finally heard silence, he tiptoed and crawled under a bush, which revealed the perfect place for a hideout. They had gathered enough wood and built a small fort in a particularly shrouded part of the forest so they could avoid the authorities that would make them go to a foster home. The fort-like shelter was comprised of some logs and cemented with mud and sticks. It was shabby and slightly depressing, but Brendish being with him made it better. They talked about meaningless stuff and played nonsense games, but it made Felix happy and took his mind away from his family. Brandish almost felt like a brother to him.
Felix was surprised to see Brendish packed up with all their possessions and looking like he was ready to leave. But leave what? The fort? The area?
"Felix? Finally you're here!" Brendish exclaimed.
"Why are you all packed up? Are we going somewhere?"
"I have a plan, to get away from communism and to our families."
Brendish told Felix the whole plan, which actually was not much of a plan, but would work. He was ready to leave this horrible place, befallen by communism and was very excited to see his family after over a year of being cornered in by The Wall. He was slightly scared because if they were caught they would be shot but the plan was almost flawless. The wall did not even look intimidating as it was pretty small. The only thing that was keeping him from escaping immediately right after the wall came were the very observant guards and fear of being caught. But now he knew how painfully much he wanted to see his family and would risk the small chance to be killed.
Felix and Brendish walked across the streets, trying to look normal (or as normal as anybody could be in East Berlin in 1962) and not like they were about to cross the so called impenetrable barrier. They stopped when they came across the wall, the long strip of concrete with barbed wire at the top. The Wall was heavily guarded with empty looking guards patrolling the area and looking at every possible place someone could escape and even the windows next to the wall were plugged in with bricks and some buildings were even demolished. They haven’t seen the wall since a year ago, when their families were separated from them. Felix felt a trickle of warmth on his cheek and realized he was crying. The trickle became a stream and he let go what he had held back for a year. He quickly wiped his eyes and gritted his teeth to prevent any further reactions. No. He couldn’t cry now. He was going to see his family, and he couldn’t ruin this now.
They started part one of the plan and pretended to play a simple game of tag. He chased Brendish and faking laughter as they ran towards the wall. Immediately Felix could felt cold, emotionless eyes, staring at them like a hawk watches its prey. Felix gulped. He tried his best to look like an innocent child having fun with his friend but he started sweating and faltered in his steps. He felt the gun trained on him but maybe he did not notice. Maybe he was just readying his gun. But in both cases, this was bad. Felix and Brendish scaled the wall (which a lot of children do when playing a game) and giggled like maniacs. Felix sneaked a look at the guard who apparently got bored and went somewhere else. Felix careful examined his surroundings before proceeding with the plan. They slowly jumped over the wall, taking care to not touch the barbed wire as that would send a signal to the nearby guard towers and they would be trouble. What lied before them was the worst sight that Felix had ever seen in his life.
Diagram of The Berlin Wall
Felix had no idea that there was this “death strip of land" between the seemingly easy wall to cross. They both gasped and Brendish almost triggered the alarm but Felix grabbed him and let out a sigh of relief. (The death strip had a series of traps, mines, soft sand as the eye can see to see footprints, barricade-like objects, hidden spike floors, watchtowers, and barbed wire everywhere.) Felix had no idea what to do anymore and whispered to Brendish, “What do we do now? We did not plan for this to happen!”
“Well, we have no choice but to go on. We can’t turn back now, and I don’t want to. did not we try to escape knowing we risking our lives? This is no different,” Brendish replied.
With that, they crept across the dangerous land, knowing every step they took could lead to certain death.
Felix and Brendish tried to cover their obvious footprints by covering it with more sand, but it was still obvious since the sand was so smooth . Sooner or later they would be spotted and Felix hoped it would be later than sooner. They hurried up since their cover would be blown and came across the minefield. They had no idea where the mines would be so they took advantage of the rocks in the sand them randomly. As the rock made contact with the ground, the world exploded and there was horrible ringing in his ears. He stole a glance at Brendish, who was on the ground writhing in pain. He thought his ears would bleed but he pressed on, dragging Brendish and ran through the path they created. He heard loud gunfire and found the guards in the watchtower shooting at them. The fear of being shot propelled Felix and Brendish to move even faster, and Felix’s pant leg got stuck in one of the spikes.
Felix said, “Crap. Quickly help me Brendish!”
They pulled on the pant leg and then ripped the bottom part of his pant leg off.
“Alright, lets go!” Brendish shouted.
They were about 20 meters away, they could make it!
“Lets hurry. If we don’t get quickly eno-”
Just then, the world slowed as he heard a single “bang”. Brendish was shot.
Felix went wide-eyed, and couldn’t believe it. Brendish had a bullet wound in his shoulder and staggered backwards. He fell and Felix let out a single, No!!!!! as Brendish was impaled by the spikes. Felix dropped to the ground, and stared at the unmoving body. Brendish was dead. He was extremely pale, there was blood everywhere and was looking upwards with emotionless, dead eyes. Felix couldn’t even cry. He just stared, stared at his best friend, who had helped him in his times of need, while Felix couldn’t now. He saw the soldier advancing on them and then Felix fell down on his knees and gave up.
Felix did not want to leave Brendish, even if all that was left was his cadaver. The soldier open fired and one of the bullets embedded itself into his chest and Felix dropped to the ground. Felix felt the scorching pain, like his chest erupted and burst open. Then, he felt it stopping. The corners of his vision started to blur. Maybe this is what it feels like when you die. This wasn’t the worst place to die, he guessed. He felt like he was visiting a beach with his family as his life slowly drained away. He did not want to move, it felt so peaceful and it doesn’t matter whether he would make or not because Brendish had already died, so he wouldn’t have his best friend, who was like a brother to him. It did not matter anymore. Brendish was already dead so there was no point in living. Felix figured it would be best to peacefully let go. But then, he remembered why they were trying to escape in the first place. To see their families, who were probably very scared for Felix and Brendish, and Felix had to reunite with his family and tell Brendish’s family what happened. Then, he came back to reality and got up.
The pain was now doubled and tripled as he ran. He ran for Brendish, who would want Felix to live and make it across. He would not let Brendish's death be in vain and take Felix's will to live. The guard was shocked that someone could still move after being shot in the chest and was rooted in place. Felix saw the borderline. 3 meters. A bullet whizzed past. 2 meters. He heard shouting. 1 meter. He hurled into the arms of firemen waiting to help him. Felix had did it. He crossed The Berlin Wall.
Felix awakened in a bed that felt like a solid version of a cloud. He was confused about why he wasn't at the fort in the woods. All of the sudden, he remembered. He remembered running, Brendish's corpse, he remembered everything. Felix was sad but at least he made it out of the horrific place alive. He felt the smooth, soft touch of the blanket, which felted and looked like the one he and his mom knitted together a while ago. The mattress was like the one his dad work a whole week on just for him. Then, a faint smell of cookies triggered his memory. Could it be? He cried tears of joy as his family came in, smiling.
