ash280103
The Hero in Green
Towns Folk
@Earth2543 have you completed your story yet
Contest writing contest
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appelpower
King Appelpower IV of my bedroom
Towns Folk
In the category of bizzare humour, I present to you: The Bert the Blobfish trilogy!
A few things you need to know before reading this:
- A blobfish is really an animal.
- I wrote this story for a school assignment. Therefore, it's littered with inside jokes and a few jokes only Dutch people understand. Some of it will go over your head, but changing it would ruin the story.
- I playfully mock a lot of things, especially Americans and Greenpeace. Don't be offended; these are just my opinions. And I don't hate you if you're part of any of the groups mocked in my story. It's British humour.
- These stories are supposed to be written right after the discussed events, but just before the next story.
- Don't use this without crediting me.
Without further ado:
If I need to pay an entrance fee, where should I do that?
A few things you need to know before reading this:
- A blobfish is really an animal.
- I wrote this story for a school assignment. Therefore, it's littered with inside jokes and a few jokes only Dutch people understand. Some of it will go over your head, but changing it would ruin the story.
- I playfully mock a lot of things, especially Americans and Greenpeace. Don't be offended; these are just my opinions. And I don't hate you if you're part of any of the groups mocked in my story. It's British humour.
- These stories are supposed to be written right after the discussed events, but just before the next story.
- Don't use this without crediting me.
Without further ado:
Bert the Blobfish, Dutch of origin, was born on the 29th of February in 1976, somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, 30 miles from New York City. At the age of five, his family was attacked by a Japanese whale. This whale happened to be very fond of pancakes, a food he had plenty of back in Japan. In the Atlantic however, due to a lack of pancakes, he had to resort to blobfishes instead, because they tasted like pancakes. Bert’s parents were eaten alive by the Japanese whale. Bert himself was the only one of his fifteen siblings to be saved from suffering the same fate. In fear of the Japanese whale, he decided to move south, approximately 110 miles from the Brazilian coast. For such a young blobfish, it was a long journey. His trauma of whales still hindered him. Halfway through his journey, he was scared almost to death by one. Luckily for Bert, it turned out to be the a whale of the threatened Werner-species, which are afraid of water and stay ashore as a result. After such a tiring travel, Bert thought he’d arrived in paradise. However, it then became apparent what New York’s polluted water had done to him. His body was mutated into being extremely hideous. So much, in fact, that everyone around him thought he was repulsive, even his own already ugly species. He was constantly mocked for being such a freak of nature. No-one, initially including Bert himself, noticed what good things Bert did for wildlife. Above the water level, humans were destroying the environment with trains, cars, cow farts and cookie factories ran by fat Belgian hairdressers who go by the name of Albert. All of them emitted far too many harmful gases such as carbon dioxide, methane and millions of litres of hairspray used by a certain Dutch politician. Bert was able to dissolve those gases at will and turn them into several different objects and materials, such as flying armadillos, swimming unicorns and speaking dogs glued to their baskets (although with a limited ability to pronounce words properly). He claimed this to be his job to avoid being unemployed. You might think he’d get lots of recognition this way. However, a certain, less developed species of human, the homo obesitas (better known as Americans) didn’t like these inedible creatures. Therefore, they started hunting for poor little Bert, who was forced to go to south even further, despite being unable to cope with the cold temperatures over there. He had to go around South Africa to the Indian Ocean as a result. Once he arrived there, it became apparent that life there was no better than in the Atlantic Ocean. It was even worse, in fact, because Bert, unable to buy a warm fur coat, had gotten a cold. He had to sneeze constantly. This repulsed others even more than his terrible looks, despite the fact that Bert sneezed a divine substance known above the water levels as chocolate. As a lonely figure, Bert had plenty of time to think of a way to avenge his family. Initially, the ideas he came up with were completely rational, but as time passed, they became completely bonkers. For example, he came up with the idea to swallow an extremely poisonous substance called Marmite, which would intoxicate and kill the whale upon eating Bert. However Bert would’ve been killed upon being eaten, if he hadn’t been killed by the Marmite beforehand. Eventually, he was so frustrated about his life, that he went berserk and managed to take over the Indian Ocean. After having become a dictator, he immediately turned the Indian Ocean into a communist area. However, unlike Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong and Kim-Il-Sung before him, he managed to govern the area successfully. He hoped he’d finally gotten recognition, but was almost killed by his former neighbours in the Atlantic, who were terribly afraid that the rest of the ocean would become communist as well. Bert therefore gave the political power to his only true friend at that time, Bob the Baboon (who had miraculously managed to adapt to underwater life). He was forced to leave by the danger caused by his former neighbours, and went to the Pacific Ocean instead. He later wished he’d never done that. The seas around Japan were full of pancake-loving whales, which left him with no option than to kill the whales. He developed a machine that absorbs pieces of modern art from all over the world and shoots them at the whales. He reckoned he’d be able to solve two world problems this way; the problem of whales and the problem of the existence of modern art. He was able to fire the machine 46 times before being noticed by the whales, and seven times after that, but to no avail; the whales barely felt the assault and weren’t even irritated by it. The whales then smelt the odour of pancake which Bert had accidently left on the machine by touching it, and they ate it as a result. The whales almost ate Bert as well, but luckily, several Japanese whale hunting boats attacked the whales, saving Bert in the process. Bert went to the water surface to thank the whale hunters, but they responded with a harpoon because the poor blobfish looked so hideous. Eventually, Bert realised there was only one thing left; going back to where he came from to battle the pollution in the waters of New York City, while hoping there wouldn’t be any whales around. That was seven years ago. It is thanks to Bert the Blobfish that those waters are now clean. To this day, he’s still trying and hoping to get a proper thank you, but that’s just idle hope; ‘thank you’ is a word too complicated for the vocabulary of the average homo obesitas.
After Gijs Guppievis’s letter was published by the international political magazine (for English learners) LER (short for ‘Leer Engels, Rutte!’) on the 1st of May 2016, a massive media storm was unleashed. LER’s readers were so touched by Guppievis’s letter, that they started a petition to help Bert the Blobfish. The target amount of signatures, 5000, was reached within 3 minutes. 1 million was reached 31 minutes after the petition started. When the petition was 5 hours old, 156.160.000 people had signed. 1 billion was reached in just under 24 hours. The national and international media immediately started focusing on the poor blobfish. As a result, many reactions came from the political corner. Barack Obama: ‘Being a minority myself, I truly think this blobfish should have a better life’. Kim Jong-Un: ‘My prisons are more pleasant than his life’. King Phillip of Belgium: ‘Lap zeg, da’s heel lelijk van dieambetanterik van eenWilders, om zo over inwijkelingen te zwanzen. Wat zegt ge daar? Ah zeg, gaat dit echt over Bert de Blobvis? Excuseer, dan ben ik abuis, hé!’ (I’m sorry, I was unable to translate this distorted version of Dutch). Mark Rutte (Dutch prime minister): ‘Yes, Bert had indeed a very much sad life. I think also that he must have be helped with bettering his life’. However, not all reactions were positive. Silvio Berlusconi: ‘He’s not a female, he’s not 17 years old and he’s not pretty. Why should I care?’. Geert Wilders: ‘He goes from one end of the world to the other, leeching off other countries. Do we want more or less of such people? <Followers yell ‘Less! Less! Less!’> Then I’ll take care of that!’ François Hollande: ‘Ze French are ze best people in ze world. We are always right, ze ozers are always wrong. Zerefore, we zink ze opposite of ze ozer countries’. Vladimir Putin: ‘I have better things to do, such as recovering all the countries lost since the Soviet era, starting with Ukraine’. Despite the aforementioned negative reactions, the UN decided to help Bert the Blobfish. First of all, the Japanese are now allowed to hunt for whales, but only the ones that attacked Bert repeatedly (from then on, these whales were recognised as a separate species, the ninjuswalviaspanecoecum), in order to secure Bert’s safety. Greenpeace went to demonstrate in inflatable rubber boats, but never arrived because a wasp flew into the boat, creating a leak and destroying both the boat and the people in it. The second decision that was made, allowed Bert to return to the Indian Ocean, which he turned into a successful communist state. Thirdly, Barack Obama took the responsibility to create sympathy for Bert the Blobfish among the homo obesitas he rules. To this day, he is still president in order to reach this goal (with the particularly unintelligent lunatics of the gun lobby being the only obstacle left, albeit a very tough one). To finance this, the Dutch opened a bank account called ‘Giro 6969’. People were able to donate 5,54 euros or more per month to save a blobfish. The leftover money was given to Bert the Blobfish. Within two days, 1,5 billion people had become donators. At the end of the month, 2,9 billion people were donators, leaving Bert with an income of €16.066.000.000 per month. Over half of this was spent on governing his country (which, being a communist state, was highly costly), the rest was spent on himself. Needless to say, Bert was one happy blobfish. However, he was unable to spend all of his money on himself and his country, and as a result, he decided to solve world poverty and hunger. In 2018, all Nobel Prizes but one were won by Bert: Chemistry (for inventing several chemical reactions by having them in his body), Peace (for his political achievements in the Indian Ocean), Economics (for his economic achievements in the Third World), Physics (for solving all environmental problems) and Physiology or Medicine (for the substances he emits). The Nobel Prize for Literature was the only one Bert didn’t win; instead, it was won by his discoverer, Gijs Guppievis, for writing such a convincing letter to the magazine LER. In 2031, he won the Nobel Prize for Literature again, this time for writing Bert the Blobfish.This biography is still the bestselling book of all time, at 2,54 billion sold. It is also one of the most recognised titles in world literature.
For 24 years, Bert continued living a happy life. However, on the 5th of January 2032, he was assassinated by Greenpeace as a revenge for the killing of the Japanese whales, after 6 failed attempts and sunken rubber boats. All of these attempts failed due leaks, each one being caused a different factor. For example, one of the boats was sunk by the nail of a crew member, another was swum into by a fish, another was attacked by a penguin, another was flown into by a Japanese kamikaze elephant and, like the first time, another was sunk by a wasp that flew into the boat. All over the world, people were indignant, especially because Bert the Blobfish was beneficial to the environment, something Greenpeace fights for. Luckily, humanity had developed machines with the same effect as Bert’s mutation. The assasinators didn’t get a death penalty, however. Instead, they were sentenced to lifelong exposure to Dutch prime minister Mark Rutte’s terrible English.
After all, Bert’s miserable life was made up for very well, and all was just once again.
For 24 years, Bert continued living a happy life. However, on the 5th of January 2032, he was assassinated by Greenpeace as a revenge for the killing of the Japanese whales, after 6 failed attempts and sunken rubber boats. All of these attempts failed due leaks, each one being caused a different factor. For example, one of the boats was sunk by the nail of a crew member, another was swum into by a fish, another was attacked by a penguin, another was flown into by a Japanese kamikaze elephant and, like the first time, another was sunk by a wasp that flew into the boat. All over the world, people were indignant, especially because Bert the Blobfish was beneficial to the environment, something Greenpeace fights for. Luckily, humanity had developed machines with the same effect as Bert’s mutation. The assasinators didn’t get a death penalty, however. Instead, they were sentenced to lifelong exposure to Dutch prime minister Mark Rutte’s terrible English.
After all, Bert’s miserable life was made up for very well, and all was just once again.
The murder of Bert the Blobfish might seem like the end of the story. But no, it isn’t. Upon Bert’s death, he disintegrated into 14 miniature versions of himself. Unfortunately, all members of Greenpeace were infected with the environmentalactivistitis virus. Its effects included becoming overly caring about the environment, being a nuisance to everyone, being strongly allergic to squinted eyes, having an obsession with rubber boats and an obsessive fetish towards trees. Until then, there was no known cure for it. The disease carried over to the gun and bullet used to assassinate Bert the Blobfish, infecting 13 of his 14 ‘babies’. One wasn’t infected, because all of Bert’s mutations carried over to him, making him immune to environmentalactivistitis. This mini-blobfish proceeded to eat the other thirteen, killing off the viruses and letting him grow to normal size in the process. He then attacked Greenpeace by vomiting rainbows onto them, causing a massive multicolour explosion. Immediately regarded as a hero, the now fully-grown blobfish was named Alfred-Jan Bartholomeus the Blobfish.
Alfred-Jan was notoriously posh; as a Dutchman, it took him sixteen seconds on average to finish a single ‘r’. As a result, words like ‘rabarber’ (Dutch for ‘rhubarb’) could take him over a minute to pronounce. He also had an obsession for both golf and hockey, even though he was no good at either of those sports (which is quite logical, since they require you to have arms). He did claim to be good at those sports though; being posh had caused Alfred-Jan to be an extremely arrogant c**k, leading to him bragging about things that weren’t even true at times. Otherwise, he exaggerated things he did well; for example, he often bragged about how he avenged his father’s death in less than a day after his birth, suggesting he was a skilled fighter even at baby age. That wasn’t true; he was already fully-grown by then.
Another one of Alfred-Jan’s notable characteristics was his relatively low IQ. Although he boasted about his brainpower, some say he was unable to remember the phone number of ‘112’ (the Dutch equivalent of the US ‘911’ emergency service). Others say he didn’t know where the Battle of Waterloo took place.
However, despite his low IQ, he was highly politically skilled. As a convinced capitalist, he started his own country, instead of becoming the leader of his father’s CRIO (Communist Republic of the Indian Ocean). This country was a success. In size, population, and world influence it rivalled world forces such as Andorra, San Marino, Liechtenstein and even the mighty Luxembourg. Economically, it can compete with countries as rich as Zimbabwe and Nigeria, and it’s a military force comparable to Monaco, Malta and Vatican City.Its tolerance is close to that of Russia, its weather is as good as that of Antarctica, but most importantly: its life standard is barely below that of North Korea, a country well-known for its high standard of living, according to its propaganda department. Needless to say, many people migrated to this country, which goes by the name of ‘Blobfishia’. Its population growth rate is a whopping minus 89%! I guess it’s clear: everyone should go to this country or else an American person will sit on them! Source of this paragraph: Blofishia’s Minster of Propaganda
By now, you might be thinking that, apart from founding Blobfishia, Alfred-Jan Bartholemeus the Blobfish hasn’t accomplished much in life. But then, you’d be dead wrong; his incredible achievements include walking a mile without falling over, counting to ten, writing a sentence correctly and even beating a puppy in a game of football!
Now, you know the story of Alfred-Jan Bartholomeus the Blobfish. Undoubtedly, you are now a great fan of him. He is now your role model, and you will imitate everything he’s ever done. You’ll start a religion called alfredjanbartholomeustheblobfishism, only to find out someone else has done that before. You’ll then join the original version of this religion, after which you’ll convince everyone else. Eventually, alfredjanbartholomeustheblobfishism will take over the world, with world peace being the end result. But always remember; it is all thanks to Alfred-Jan Bartholomeus the Blobfish, an even bigger hero than his father.
Alfred-Jan was notoriously posh; as a Dutchman, it took him sixteen seconds on average to finish a single ‘r’. As a result, words like ‘rabarber’ (Dutch for ‘rhubarb’) could take him over a minute to pronounce. He also had an obsession for both golf and hockey, even though he was no good at either of those sports (which is quite logical, since they require you to have arms). He did claim to be good at those sports though; being posh had caused Alfred-Jan to be an extremely arrogant c**k, leading to him bragging about things that weren’t even true at times. Otherwise, he exaggerated things he did well; for example, he often bragged about how he avenged his father’s death in less than a day after his birth, suggesting he was a skilled fighter even at baby age. That wasn’t true; he was already fully-grown by then.
Another one of Alfred-Jan’s notable characteristics was his relatively low IQ. Although he boasted about his brainpower, some say he was unable to remember the phone number of ‘112’ (the Dutch equivalent of the US ‘911’ emergency service). Others say he didn’t know where the Battle of Waterloo took place.
However, despite his low IQ, he was highly politically skilled. As a convinced capitalist, he started his own country, instead of becoming the leader of his father’s CRIO (Communist Republic of the Indian Ocean). This country was a success. In size, population, and world influence it rivalled world forces such as Andorra, San Marino, Liechtenstein and even the mighty Luxembourg. Economically, it can compete with countries as rich as Zimbabwe and Nigeria, and it’s a military force comparable to Monaco, Malta and Vatican City.Its tolerance is close to that of Russia, its weather is as good as that of Antarctica, but most importantly: its life standard is barely below that of North Korea, a country well-known for its high standard of living, according to its propaganda department. Needless to say, many people migrated to this country, which goes by the name of ‘Blobfishia’. Its population growth rate is a whopping minus 89%! I guess it’s clear: everyone should go to this country or else an American person will sit on them! Source of this paragraph: Blofishia’s Minster of Propaganda
By now, you might be thinking that, apart from founding Blobfishia, Alfred-Jan Bartholemeus the Blobfish hasn’t accomplished much in life. But then, you’d be dead wrong; his incredible achievements include walking a mile without falling over, counting to ten, writing a sentence correctly and even beating a puppy in a game of football!
Now, you know the story of Alfred-Jan Bartholomeus the Blobfish. Undoubtedly, you are now a great fan of him. He is now your role model, and you will imitate everything he’s ever done. You’ll start a religion called alfredjanbartholomeustheblobfishism, only to find out someone else has done that before. You’ll then join the original version of this religion, after which you’ll convince everyone else. Eventually, alfredjanbartholomeustheblobfishism will take over the world, with world peace being the end result. But always remember; it is all thanks to Alfred-Jan Bartholomeus the Blobfish, an even bigger hero than his father.
If I need to pay an entrance fee, where should I do that?
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