Paragraphs. You should always start a new paragraph before a new person starts to talk or something new happens.
Shadow Queen? Mostly being- You know, shadow, could she actually kidnap Peach? Not to mention, she's from Paper Mario so... She's two dimensional? I dunno, this just stood out.
Luigi is a bit of a coward, a fellow who respects Mario, quite a nice guy. You've got him represented like he's a lazy, rude know it all. Dat isn't the Weegee I know...
That's pretty much it. The first thing hurt your score the most.