Mario's Adventure Ep.1

Mario's Adventure Ep.1

Mario was sleeping in his bed at the castle when he smelled a fresh aroma. Immediately he woke up. "Hey!" He said. "Is someone baking cinnamon buns?" "No, it's just this new aroma candle I'm setting next to your lamp," Said Luigi. Mario rushed down the stairs to eat breakfast(scrambled eggs and mushroom), and noticed a letter at the door. He went over to it and picked it up. It read:
Dear Mario,
I have been kidnapped by the Shadow Queen. "THE SHADOW QUEEN?!" Mario exclaimed.He then continued reading:

The Shadow Queen keeps telling me that the next time you fight her, it will be easier for her to crush you, now that she has found a new source of power. I believe in you, Mario. Please save me!
-Peach
"Luigi," Mario said. "The princess is in trouble. We must go save her.:mad:" "Man, she is in a serious condition of Stockholm syndrome, isn't she?" Said Luigi. "It's much worse than Daisy's." Then, Mario pushed Luigi to the floor and said, "Look, you can come with me and save Peach, or you can sit here thinking about that excuse for a princess, Daisy, and be destroyed by the Shadow Queen." Mario got up, crossed his arms, and looked away from Luigi. "The choice is yours." Luigi sighed and said, "Fine, I'm coming:meh:." Mario flipped the letter, and on the backside were all the bosses they needed to defeat, and the Star Spirits they needed to obtain: Klevar with Goomboss at Plains, Mamar with Mummipokey at the Desert, Muskular with Gooper Blooper at Tropics, Skolar with Wiggler in the Forest, Kelmar with General Guy at Shy Guy's Toy Box , Mistar with King Boo at the Haunted House, and Eldstar with Shrowser at Neo Bowser Castle. "Let's-a go!" Says a determined Mario.
Author
Henry 25313
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2.00 star(s) 12 ratings

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Huh...pretty good
Formatting, that is all.
What Bob said, also your pacing is too fast.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
I think you need to slow down your reading.
Using emojis and making it a wall of text??? BEST STORY EVER!!!!!
What Earth said. also, Isnt the cinnamon bun thing from the other mario series? No h8 for the cinnamin buns tho.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
I canceled that series.
Leave the plot aside and look at the other obvious problems here.

1. Spacing: you should make a new paragraph when someone talk or if the scene changed, that will make it easier to read.

2. Using emoticons/smiley isn't recommended when writing a story.

3. Unnecessary detail should be minimized, or done in a better way. Who made that food anyway?
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Ever heard of context clues? They're clues in the passage that help you answer questions like that. So, I'll let you go figure. Who else, other than Mario, could have made that food?
The cinnamon buns thing seemed like needless filler.

Why is Mario so pushy and Luigi such a coward? Even if he's scared of ghosts, he's always eager to save whoever needs to be saved.

How come Peach was kidnapped yet wrote Mario a letter with vital knowledge about the enemy? It's like letting her disclose all the Shadow Queen's weak points with impunity.

Grammar.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Can you tell me what he was scared of, exactly?
Three things wrong.
1. The shadow queen most likely died during the events of Thousand Year Door.

2. Mario and Paper Mario don't go together. Paper Jam doesn't count, and was a rushed flimsy crossover that has nothing to do with the mario timeline (probably.) That being said, the Shadow Queen wouldn't be able to appear in the regular mario universe.

3. How would Peach exactly know where they took the star spirits? It's like shadow queen told her where they were on purpose to send it to mario. Not to mention, it wouldn't be like Paper Mario because of two reasons. One, Shadow Queen has an army so peach can never escape a room. 2. THIS IS NOT PAPER MARIO, THIS IS REGULAR MARIO.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Ever heard of fan fiction? Yeah, that's pretty much what this is.
What Bobcam7! said.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
You can't even use your own details!
Paragraphs plz, better gremmer and mario's personality is out of place, please use all of those correctly
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Please learn how to spell grammar correctly!
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