Mario's Adventure Ep.1

Mario's Adventure Ep.1

Latest Most helpful Rating
Frisk
Huh...pretty good
Slayerpon Tatsu
Formatting, that is all.
Doctor Strange
What Bob said, also your pacing is too fast.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
I think you need to slow down your reading.
Kalomaze
Using emojis and making it a wall of text??? BEST STORY EVER!!!!!
Bagel
What Earth said. also, Isnt the cinnamon bun thing from the other mario series? No h8 for the cinnamin buns tho.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
I canceled that series.
2
Leave the plot aside and look at the other obvious problems here.

1. Spacing: you should make a new paragraph when someone talk or if the scene changed, that will make it easier to read.

2. Using emoticons/smiley isn't recommended when writing a story.

3. Unnecessary detail should be minimized, or done in a better way. Who made that food anyway?
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Ever heard of context clues? They're clues in the passage that help you answer questions like that. So, I'll let you go figure. Who else, other than Mario, could have made that food?
Blue Knight
The cinnamon buns thing seemed like needless filler.

Why is Mario so pushy and Luigi such a coward? Even if he's scared of ghosts, he's always eager to save whoever needs to be saved.

How come Peach was kidnapped yet wrote Mario a letter with vital knowledge about the enemy? It's like letting her disclose all the Shadow Queen's weak points with impunity.

Grammar.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Can you tell me what he was scared of, exactly?
Pokechamp
Three things wrong.
1. The shadow queen most likely died during the events of Thousand Year Door.

2. Mario and Paper Mario don't go together. Paper Jam doesn't count, and was a rushed flimsy crossover that has nothing to do with the mario timeline (probably.) That being said, the Shadow Queen wouldn't be able to appear in the regular mario universe.

3. How would Peach exactly know where they took the star spirits? It's like shadow queen told her where they were on purpose to send it to mario. Not to mention, it wouldn't be like Paper Mario because of two reasons. One, Shadow Queen has an army so peach can never escape a room. 2. THIS IS NOT PAPER MARIO, THIS IS REGULAR MARIO.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Ever heard of fan fiction? Yeah, that's pretty much what this is.
Sans
What Bobcam7! said.
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
You can't even use your own details!
KnighddDd
Paragraphs plz, better gremmer and mario's personality is out of place, please use all of those correctly
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
Please learn how to spell grammar correctly!
8
Please use paragraphs. Please. Also, Mario is a jerk
Henry 25313
Henry 25313
You're a jerk! >:(
Bobcam7!
Paragraphs. You should always start a new paragraph before a new person starts to talk or something new happens.

Shadow Queen? Mostly being- You know, shadow, could she actually kidnap Peach? Not to mention, she's from Paper Mario so... She's two dimensional? I dunno, this just stood out.

Luigi is a bit of a coward, a fellow who respects Mario, quite a nice guy. You've got him represented like he's a lazy, rude know it all. Dat isn't the Weegee I know...

That's pretty much it. The first thing hurt your score the most.
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